Henry Youngman Quotes

Found 86 quotes by Henry Youngman .
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Henry Youngman
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
Henry Youngman
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American Comedian Funny Holidays
Henry Youngman
"The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!"
Henry Youngman
Henry Youngman
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Bed Funny
Henry Youngman
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny Golf

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Henry Youngman
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Army Funny
Henry Youngman
"She has a wash and wear bridal gown."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'"
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!""
Henry Youngman
Clothes
Henry Youngman
"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny Men
Henry Youngman
"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous."
Henry Youngman
American Comedian Funny
Henry Youngman
"The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!""
Henry Youngman

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